You should have seen
the look on her face. I don’t want
Rachel to hate me. I don’t know
what to do. – Do you want my advice?
– Yes, please. – You’re not gonna like it.
– That’s okay. You got married too fast. – That’s not advice.
– I told you. Do you think
these pearls are nice? I’d really prefer
a mountain bike. Janice’s birthday is coming up. I wanna get her
something special. – Come in here with me.
– Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa. You, uh.. You wanna get her
something special.. …get her flowers,
get her candy. Get her gum.
Girls love gum. That’s a good idea. “Dear Janice,
have a Hubba Bubba birthday.” I would like to get
her something serious. Oh, you want
something serious. You know what you should do? You should get her
one of those, um barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Alright, look,
I’m gonna go in here and you don’t buy me
anything ever. Phoebe, wh-what
are you doing? I can’t help it. I need the meat.
The baby needs the meat. Alright, look, you know how, you
know when you’re dating someone and you don’t want
to cheat on them unless it’s
with someone really hot? – Yeah. Totally.
– Alright. Okay. Well, this is
the same kind of deal. If you’re gonna do
something wrong.. …do it right. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.
What am I gonna do? I mean, this-this is like
a complete nightmare. Oh, I know,
this must be so hard. “Oh, no. Two women love me!” “They’re both
gorgeous and sexy!” “My wallet’s too small
for my fifties “and my diamond shoes
are too tight!” – Hey, here’s a thought, Ross.
– Don’t touch the computer. Don’t ever
touch the computer. Ross, listen.
I got two words for you. Threesome. Hey! Hey, No! Oh! Oh! – Run, Phoebe!
– Run, Pheebs. No, doggie! No, please! I do so want
to love all animals. Please, no! Get him a bone! Get a bone.
You got a bone? – Are you kidding me?
– Look! Kibbles! Bits! Oh God, alright. Get the hell off my leg,
you yippity piece of crap. [dog growling] Ohh! [barking] Okay. Alright. We have a problem. Why don’t you just reach out
and take his trampoline? Okay, here, I know
what we can do. Hey, hey. Hey, no! Okay, doggie!
Get the-get the sandwich! [screams]
Okay. Go get the sandwich,
get the sandwich, doggie! ‘Good doggie!
Get the sandwich!’ Okay, Joey, the dog
will lick himself but he will not touch
your sandwich. What does that tell you? Well, if he’s not gonna eat it,
I will. Are you crazy? Pheebs, he’s just a little dog. [screaming] [barking] Good evening. I am Mr. Tribbiani.. …and I’ll be teaching
acting for soap operas. Now, um.. …on my first day
as Dr. Drake Ramoray on “Days of our lives..” Uh, I learned that one
of the most important things in soap opera acting
is re-acting. This does not mean acting again. It means you don’t have a line,
but someone else just did. And it goes something like this. [clears throat] [gasps] Thanks. Thanks.
Thanks a lot. Oh, before I forget,
to work in soap operas some of you will have to become
much more attractive. Okay, come here. Okay, uh, about last night, um.. You know. Chandler.
You didn’t tell.. Okay, ’cause I’m thinkin’
we don’t need to tell Chandler. I mean,
it was just a kiss right? One kiss, no big deal, right? – Right, no big deal.
– Okay. In bizarro world. – You broke the code.
– What code? You don’t kiss
your friend’s mom. Sisters are okay.. …maybe a hot-lookin’ aunt,
but not a mom. Never a mom. [screams] Listen, I gotta talk to you. Sure. What’s up? Monica and I almost
got married last night. Oh, my God! That’s huge! Hey! Wait a minute. Why wasn’t I invited? And who was gonna
be your best man? Don’t say Ross.
Do not say Ross. Look, I just don’t
think that Monica and I are ready to get
married yet, you know? I mean, I love
her and everything but.. Seeing Ross and Rachel come out
of that chapel was like a.. Like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving
so fast, you know, and.. [sighs] How do I tell her
without crushing her? Yeah. Oh! Tell her she’s not
marriage material. What? Girls say it to me all the time. And believe me if
she’s anything like me she’s just gonna be relieved. Well, I don’t have to break up
with her this time. We’re not involved. I’m gonna do
a pre-emptive strike. I’m gonna end it with her
before it starts. My ass is, like, frozen. Yeah, try sticking it
in the freezer for 20 minutes. I’m telling ya. [instrumental music] (Joey)
Oh, hey, Ross, Ross, Ross. You wanna stay away
from that guy and that guy,
and that one. Dude, they’re all huge. They don’t look
any bigger than me. Well, maybe that’s
’cause you’re closer to you. So you look bigger
to you from where you are. Okay. Some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able
to cry as an actor. So, if I’m in a scene
where I have to cry I cut a hole in my pocket take a pair of tweezers.. …and just start pulling. Okay? Or, uh.. Or let’s say
I want to convey that I’ve just done
something evil. That would be your basic “I’ve got a fishhook
in my eyebrow and I, like it”.. Hmm? Okay. Let’s say
I’ve just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. Chandler, nobody likes
breaking up with someone. – ‘You just gotta do it.’
– No, I know. But it’s just so hard, you know? I mean, you’re sitting there
with her. She has no idea
what’s happening. And then you finally get up
the courage to do it and there’s that
horrible awkward moment when you’ve handed her
the note and.. Uh, why do you have to
break up with her? Be a man.
Just stop callin’. Oh, God, look at him,
he’s so cute. I just want to go over there
and grab him and kiss him. How could I kiss him
without letting him know that I like him? Oh, hey, I know
how you can get him. Take off your bra. What? There was a scene
in “Footloose”. – “Flashdance”.
– Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with that-that-that
plumber girl– She was a welder. What were you, like,
in the movie, or..? Anyway, she takes off
her bra under the shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Hi. Are you, uh, moving in
or moving out? – Moving in.
– Oh. Can I give you a hand? Oh, okay.
But, you know, be careful. This guy who was
helping me before had to leave because
he hurt his back. Boyfriend? – No.
– I’m Joey. – Your name?
– Kristen. Oh, wow,
what a beautiful name. What is it again? – Kristen.
– Ah, that’s it. – So..
– You, uh, live around here? Yeah, yeah.
Right down there. Hey, listen, let me
give you a little tip. Do not take a nap
on this stoop or you could wake up
with your shoes gone. – I’ll remember that.
– Okay. – Hey.
– Hey, man. What’s up? Uh, not much. You guys
wanna see a movie tonight? – Sure. What do you wanna see?
– I don’t know, um– Oh-oh, I know how we can decide.
Phoebe, show him your game! Um, no thank you. What’s with her? I don’t know. But, hey,
I know how we can decide. Okay, I’m gonna ask you
questions and you answer
real quick. Okay? – Okay.
– What do you like better? – Action or comedy?
– Action. Who would you rather sleep
with, Monica or Rachel? Dude, you are sick. Oh, alright. I’m sorry. I-I forgot
you had that whole Rachel thing. Alright, Rach,
the big question is “Does he like you?”, right? Because if he doesn’t like you,
this is all a moo point. Huh. A “moo” point? Yeah. It’s like
a cow’s opinion. You know, it just
doesn’t matter. It’s moo. Have I been living
with him for too long or did that all
just make sense? …I just saw my best
friend’s brains smeared across the canvas. It’s not gonna be me. Not me. Wow. That.. That.. That was good.
That was.. – Tweezers?
– No. Oh, wow. – That was really good.
– Thanks. Any suggestions? Hmm, I.. [ominous music] You told him
to play the boxer gay! Well, I-I might have said
super gay. Okay. On three. One, two– Why don’t we just go on two? Why two? Because it’s faster. Yeah, I could’ve counted
to three four times without all this two talk. Alright, but in the future– Okay, okay. Heavy thing,
not getting lighter. Okay. One, two– So we are going with two– (together)
Oh! Alright. A good job, Joe. Wow. It’s big. Yeah. So big, that it actually
makes our doors look smaller. Maybe my ruler’s wrong. Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Look, It’s not that bad.
So what? It blocks a little of your door
a little of my door. Yeah, you know what?
I got a better idea. How about it blocks
none of my door and a lot of your door? – What’s that?
– What? Nothing! What is that? I saw my name.
What is it? No, no. See? See? [printer whirring] Hey, it’s printing! Hey, it’s printing! Well, what is it?
Let me see. Hey, someone order a coat? Ross, Chandler wrote something
about me on his computer and he won’t let me see. He won’t, he won’t? He.. …because isn’t that,
isn’t that the.. …the-the short story
you were writing? Yes, yes, it is
the short story.. …that I was writing. And I’m in it?
Well, let me read it! (in unison)
No! – Come on!
– Hey! Uh, why don’t you
read it to her? I don’t believe this. You-you got him to pretend
he was some fake doctor? Fake?
Oh, excuse me. Hello. And then you tried to make me
think that I was crazy? You’re right.
That was wrong. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. It’s just that
I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just
start over? – I don’t think so.
– I-If I may. Um, um, look, Cliff. You told me a lot of personal
stuff about you, right? Now, maybe-maybe
it would help if-if you knew some
personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married
to a gay ice dancer. Uh…she gave birth
to her brother’s triplets. Oh, oh, oh. Her, her twin sister
used to do porn. Uh.. Joey, we’re trying to
dial down the crazy. Right. My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this! You guys want to probably
get some hugs in too, huh? Big news! Ah, that’s okay. We’ve actually
known for a while. What, what? What,
you guys knew? You.. You all knew and
you didn’t tell me? Well, R-Ross, we were
worried about you, okay? We didn’t know
how you were gonna react. You were worried about me? You didn’t know
how I was gonna react? Okay. Alright. Whew. What do you say, we all,
uh, clear out of here and let these two lovebirds
get back down to business. Hey, hey, hey,
I-I’m just talking here. He-he’s the one
doing your sister. Joe? ‘Yeah?’ Uh.. You’ve had a
lot of sex, right? When? Today? Some. Not a lot, though. Well, it’s just
the reason I’m asking is because I had kind of a..
Uh.. I-I was unable to.. I mean, I really, I really
wanted to, but I couldn’t.. There, huh, hmm.. There was..
There was an incident. Don’t worry
about that, man. That happens. It’s happened to you? Yeah. Once. Well, what’d you do? I did it anyway.