What’s that? Shh…
Falcao. Oh, come on, Sonny.
Don’t you try and pretend you haven’t put women’s tights
on your head before. – Like this.
– Yeah, like that.I’m Jack Whitehall.
In this seriesI’ll be getting
up close and personalwith some of the biggest
names in footballas they gear up
for the World Cup in Russia.This June, 32 teams
will be packing their man bags,saying good-bye
to their prize wives,and heading to Russia
for the biggest footballing
jewel on the planet.I’m going to be taking you
on a tourto meet four wonders of the
international football world–Australia’s Tim Cahill,Denmark’s Kasper Schmeichel,Columbia’s Radamel Falcao.I’m flying, Jack.And–
oh, don’t do the voice–South Korea’s Heung Min Son.No world tour
would be completewithout a representative from
the lucrative Asian market.South Korea’s Heung Min Sonagreed to take partin a popular game show.It’s time for…Mr. Big Jack’s
Korea Low Point.( music playing )Hosted by global star,
Mr. Big Jack.Competing against him
was England superstarand friend of the show
Dele Alli.I’m joined by Dele and Sonny. These two will be competing
for this. This, lads,
is called a trophy. Have you seen
one of these before? I know you’re both
Tottenham players. This is where you use the word,
“I taught you.” ( bleep ) Game one–
Super Fat Goalie Man. Three, two, one…
( whistles ) Yeah! Yeah! Jack:
What a finish! Kick it. Three, two, one… Oh, yeah! Next round– Mr. Woman Pants Head
Tight Header Game. Both of you have to put
your head in the tights. and head the ball
off the pillar. May the best man win. Oh, come on, Sonny.
Don’t you try and pretend you haven’t put women’s tights
on your head before. – Like this.
– Yeah, like that. Those are my mother’s tights. Sure smells like it. This is going to be forever
in my history on YouTube. Three, two, one, go. Go. Go. Yeah! Best of three.
One, nil, Sonny. – What?
– Best of three. Three, two, one, go. Hey, I think mine’s further. Yeah! Two, nil, Sonny. Three, two, one, go. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Can you not even get it off? Look, it doesn’t reach. Aah! ( repeating ) – Are you all right?
– I’m concussed. ( laughing, stammering )
He’s concu– concussion. The winner, Mr. Lady Tight Pant
Head Man Header Game
is Sonny. Mr. Peg Face Boingy Snapper. You each have to attach
one of these pegs to a part of your face And then it is simply
a tug of war. Take your peg. Sonny. He’s gonna rip my lip off. I’m just getting
beaten up today. We’ve tried this
many times before. It’s all health and safety
checked. You’ll be absolutely fine. – I can choose, huh?
– You can choose
anywhere. And it doesn’t have to be
your face as well. – If ( whistles )
– Oh, yeah? Face best. Okay, nose. Oh, no. No chance.
No chance. Jack:
Lip. Lip to lip. – Okay.
– Ready? Three, two, one, go. This is gonna swing
into our face. Aah! Whoever created
this game is stupid. – Aah!
– Hey, this one. I look like Gary Lineker. Next round–
Blow On My Massive Pipe. The objective–
to blow this ball out the other end of the pipe. Sonny, Dele.
Starts in the middle. Wait. Begin. I need to go dentist. One, nil. One, nil?
He didn’t even say go. One, one. I’m all out of breath. Try to keep it down on this. Don’t raise the pipe with your blowing. Go. ( bleep ) Rocket. Nearly took my teeth out. Change ends. Change ends. – Now, I’m home game.
– Okay, in here. Whoa, Dele,
it’s disgusting. Jack:
Oh, yeah, you might wanna
give it a little wipe. – ( groaning )
– Yeah. – Ready? In the middle.
– When the ball is here. When it reaches the middle.
Then you begin. Okay, begin. Winner Sonny. Definitely something wrong
with it. There’s nothing wrong
with the ball. Your technique is not as good.
He’s a better blower than you. Huh. What? It’s going other way. You’ve got the right technique. That round was won by Sonny. The winner of Mr. Big Jack
Korea Low Point is Sonny. Yeah! ( singing ) – I like you, bro.
– Sorry! And the prize is that Sonny
gets to kick the ball as hard as he can at you. That’s not the prize. Yeah, it is.
That’s what we signed for. What?
No, that was never the prize. That’s the reason why we said
we would do this. The prize was
this rusty old trophy. Sonny, let’s go.
Come on. What? – Turn around.
– Turn around. I don’t want to. You have to.
It’s the only reason
why we’ve come today. It’s in the contract. Sonny:
We signed for the… Aah! ( Dele and Sonny )
♪ Nice one, Sonny
nice one, Son ♪ ♪ Nice one, Sonny
let’s have another one ♪ – Cheers.
– See ya. Bye-bye. Thank you for today. ♪ Dele and Heung ♪ ♪ I just don’t
think you understand ♪( music playing )Jack:Monaco,
home to high-end hotels,high-stakes poker,and high-class escorts.Unfortunately, I’m here
for none of those things. I’m here to meet up
with another footballer.Radamel Falcao,Columbian striking sensationand their all-time top scorer.I’m here to pitch him
a little brand endorsementahead of this
year’s World Cup. Is this gonna work on camera,
by the way? I don’t– Should we not just do it
with the actual Marina? How have we picked the one day
when Monaco looks shit? Radamel,
very good to meet you. Lovely to be here in Monaco. I can’t believe you left
Manchester for this. The weather is
not so good today, right? I brought the English weather
to remind you that you made
the right decision. That is sure. What happened to the bonnet? When did it change?
When did you get rid
of the long hair? That was your look. That was the look,
but my wife want a change. – Yeah.
– And she’s the boss. She’s the boss.
She says, “Change the hair,” you change the hair. The endorsements
that you must get. You must be doing the modeling and the clothes adverts I hear in Columbia, they have
your face on the bread. Is this true? I made some spot for television. And the Columbian people
love food. For me it’s very good, too. Receive the love
of my Columbian people. Yeah. Well, with that in mind, there’s one thing
that you don’t have,
Radamel Falcao. – What thing?
– You don’t have your own scent. All of the big players have it. Beckham has it,
Zlatan has his own scent, but there is
no Radamel Falcao scent, – and I think
that is a travesty.
– I haven’t yet. Don’t worry because I’ve come
today with a pitch. – Okay.
– So I bring you… Falcao de Toilette. Man ( echoing whisper ):
Falcao, Falcao…Oh, I like. I like. We’ve had the scent made. Do you want to give that
a little try? Manly.
Makes you strong like bull. – Yeah?
– Ah, strong. I like. He absolutely loves
Falcao de Toilette. It’s getting the Falcao
seal of approval. If we’re gonna sell this,
though, it’s probably gonna need
an advert. So I’ve got a few ideas, but here is my concept. I’m thinking,
Falcao de Toilette. for the
international gentleman. Here we are, jet setters, on the boat. Maybe hero shot of the bottle. And then we can go further. Me and you like Putin
on the back of the horse, jet skiing, chopping wood, fighting a bear. You know, us two,
strong like bulls, wearing Falcao de Toilette. – Maybe not that one.
– No maybe. Okay, maybe not that one. And I don’t know whether
we’re going to be able
to find a bear in Monaco, so this one, no. Why are we not wearing
any shirt? because we’re two men, happy in each other’s company. Just sun’s out, guns out. I prefer like just James Bond. – In the tuxedos.
– Yeah. Okay, let’s start with tuxedos.
Then we’ll see how it goes. Yeah, I’m ready.
I’m ready. – Let’s do this.
– Thank you. Falcao de Toilette.
Let’s make this dream
become a reality.( music playing )Jack:
Falcao de Toilette,a brand new fragrance
for men.Man ( echoing whisper ):
Falcao, Falcao…Made from
the tears and sweatof a Columbian god.F… Falcao. – A…
– Aroma. L… Ladies. – C…
– Charisma.– A…
– Aroma again.– O…
– Orgasmic. Man:
For the professional gentleman,who wants to win it all.What’s that? Shh…
Falcao. De Toilette. ( echoing )
Falcao de Toilette.You’ll be beating them off
with a shitty stick.F… Falcao. – A…
– Aro– ( laughing ) Man:
That was funny. Jack:
Next up, Australia’s
greatest footballer,which is a bit like beingNigeria’s best downhill skier.It’s Socceroos’ Tim Cahill.Tim is Australia’s
leading goal scorerwith 50 goals.And, despite the fact
that most of them were scoredagainst nations that
don’t have an airport,a veritable “Where’s That?”
of international football,he has netted
at the last three World Cups.Today we’re gonna recreate one
of Tim’s World Cup screamers.with the help of YouTube stars
the F2Freestylers.If ever there was a time
that you regretted coming
back to England, today is probably the day.
It’s, like, minus seven. My testicles are currently
somewhere in my abdomen. Let’s get going.
We need a goal keeper. We’ve got my brother Barnaby. – Man: What’s up, Barney?
He looks ready.
– He looks so pissed off to me. Is he actually your brother? Well, there’s a little bit
of debate about that. But don’t tell him,
listen to Jeremy Kyle. Oh, look here.
Great ball by McGowan.Look. I couldn’t bring it down
so I burned it.The only thing that was going
through my head thereis raise it or back of the net
Why does it kissing the bar
make it so much sweeter?Because it makes it harder
to recreate because you’re dealing
with millimeters. I’m always dealing with
millimeters, my friend. You have come to the expert
of dealing in millimeters.And in the classic celebration,that’s when you picked off
a bit of the old boxing one.Boxing celebration, yeah,
for the fans. Did you ever think
to mix it all up
a little bit more by smashing a bottle and then
doing that at the end of it? – No, maybe not.
– No? Okay. Try and head-butt
a police horse. Okay.For those not up to date
with the history
of English football,the Millwall fan base are
a little overenthusiastic.Jack, you look like
you’re waiting for a bus. Jack:
I’ve never waited for a bus
in my life, Tim. That’s not bad. We could be here
for a long time. Tim, how did you
end up playing football? You’re Australian. How bad at cricket
and rugby were you? – I’m gonna stitch, Jack.
– That’s a nice touch. You’ve gotta move
with the ball. – Okay, you show me.
You show me how it’s done.
– All right, let’s go. Here he is. Bad ball serve, mate. ( laughing )
Oh, look at that! Jack:
Don’t put yourself down, Jeremy. You’re average height. We can make us F3, not F2. F4, Timothy. I’m here as well. Stand like this. – Yeah.
– And as the ball comes over, walk with it
and then jog with it, and then open your body up. Rather than sort of sputtering. Move into the space. Like that. Move with it. Oh! ( laughing ) – It’s all rhythm.
– Are you listening, Jack? – That was… exceptional.
– It’s all rhythm, Jack. And talking me through it,
step by step. Is it hard not to be
really big bollocks when you’re Tim Cahill
and you’re playing
on an Australian team where the left back’s got to do
a post run at half time? Just very relaxed, Jack.
There’s no pressure. Okay, relax.
Just chill. Chill. Let Tim. Go, Jack! Go, Jack! Chillin’! Too chill. Too chill. And you played everywhere.
You played Everton, China. Language-wise is that hard? How long did it take you
to pick up scowls? Tim:
No, it’s just too quick. Oh. Yes. It’s still in. Good contact.
And I got the bar. Yes, it bounced first, but it still counts. Jack, if you scored,
how would you celebrate? I think maybe a little fiddle. How about that one? Or a little cello. No, I was very
into music in school. Oh, yeah. Yeah! – There we go.
– Yes! Back post to Whitehall. Yeah! So how come you didn’t
continue being a pro? Oh, uh, it’s comedy. It came first. I could’ve pursued
either dream basically. Are you asking him? – I genuinely thought–
– That was specifically for me. Sorry, I thought
he’d seen my technique, and thought clearly
this guy had a shot,
and I did. Do you know what?
I would’ve preferred you
to go pro. You might’ve been funnier. – Yeah.
– Yeah– Oh. ( laughing ) Excuse me.
One for the burns unit. Unbelievable. You’re left footed as well,
are you? No, right. – Are you right footed?
– And that was
a left-foot score. Exactly, exactly.
He scored that
with his wrong foot. – I didn’t even realize.
– It’s a good goal. That’s like Zinedine Zidane’s
champion’s league final level. Or Bender’s run
in the league cup. Oh, come on.Next up, the chaps and
I are going to try and pull offanother World Cup screamer,
a Beckham masterpiece.Golden Balls scored
his first World Cup goalfor England at France ’98.And what a beauty it was.All right, we’re gonna recreate
this free kick, but I’m actually going
for Jack’s head. You’re aiming at my head. He’s aiming at my head. I’m going for the goal. This Mill thug is aiming
for my head. – Hey, one more, one more.
– No. Whizzies. Left foot, right foot,
he does it. Jack:
Now orchestra. ( indistinct chatter ) – There it is.
– Oh, yes! – There you go.
– Right. – You’re next.
I’m taking that, obviously.
– Jack: I’m next. And if I score, orchestra
into that camera. Oh, no. – Yeah!
– To be fair,
I didn’t expect that.( symphonic strings playing )Congratulations.
Two World Cup worldies
recreated. – Thanks, F2 boys.
Tim Cahill, good luck…
– It’s been my pleasure. on becoming the first pensioner
to score a World Cup. Thank you, sir.
No worries.Continuing on our world tour,
we’re off to Europe.When you think of Denmark,
you think baconand, of course, Vikings…and Peter Schmeichel,the greatest goalkeeper
of all time.With 24 major trophies
in his career,Peter is without questiona world footballing legend.Unfortunately he’s retired, so today I’m hanging out
with his son, Kasper Schmeichel.Kasper has a solid historywhen it comes to saving
his Danish bacon.With over 30 international caps
for Denmark,He’s twice been named
Danish footballer of the year.“Training Days.” Next 12 hours your ass
is mine, my friend. Don’t know if I like
the sound of that.I’ve got a few things
up my sleeve for today,so we hit the road.What is the accent? ‘Cause your dad had it as well. His went like–
like Northern Danish. And yours is, like,
somewhere in between? Played in Scotland
for about six months. Aye. It’s great. – Good accent.
– Great. Aye. And then I played in Cardiff,
so a little bit of the Welsh. Little bit of the Welsh. When I come visit you
in London, you know, I go completely
Cockney, you know? I start talking like…
and all that, you know, like I’m from Millwall
or from West End or something
like that, you know? If there a Danish version of
like, “Three lions on a shirt”? You must have a football song. Yeah, there is. there is. This is one of the first, like, back from the ’80s,
proper ’80s music.( music playing on car stereo )– And there’s a more recent–
– Oh! That is ’80s. Proper ’80s. This is like the start of
a Jean-Claude Van Damme film. How do I say that in Danish? ( singing in Danish ) ( singing in mock Danish ) Now, once more. ( continue singing ) Go Denmark!Like a good bit
of Danish noir,we end up
at a dark country house,And upstairs two sinister
old men are waiting for us.I’ve invited our fathers
for dinner to cook up a storm.It’s lads-and-dads
bonding time.– Hello.
– Hi. How are you? Okay, it’s like that, is it? – Hello, how are you?
– Kasper, this is my dad. We’ll say hello properly. Yeah, that’s how it’s done. That is how a father
and his son should greet. – Come here, come here.
– Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you very much. It’s the hug
I never got as a child. Great to see you. They’ve always been very kissy,
those sort of Europeans. They’re always hugging
and kissing. They’re secretly
communicating in Danish. We’ll communicate in posh
so they can’t understand. Rah-rah, rah, rah.
Rah-rah-rah. Rah, rah, rah. Peter, are you, like
a harsh critic of your son? – No.
– No? I’m the best dad in the world. ( laughing )
The best dad in the world. I just praise him
all the time. I’d only be tough to Kasper
if I was playing. – Really?
– Not really. I mean, we do it
now and again, but– So if he gets a clean sheet, you don’t text him and say– Yeah, of course. I praise him
for his performances, and, you know,
well done and all that, but it’s not really–
we don’t really go into details. Do less to get
a lot of clean sheets. We used to get a few more
than we do at the moment, but– Jack:
That would’ve been nice of you
when I was growing up. What, you getting
a clean sheet? No, your sheets
were absolutely vile. – Seriously.
– You set yourself up for that. – You set yourself up for that.
– I mean, he went– he went– – he went from…
– I meant a text.
I meant a text. …peeing all the time
in his bed. I mean, aged–
How old were you
when you finally stopped? – Why?
– Poor Hilary, she was permanently
in and out of that launderette, cleaning the sheets. Seriously. What will it be like watching
your son at World Cup? – Uh…
– End goal for the nation
that you kept for and seeing him following
in your footsteps
and doing that. – I can’t wait for that.
– Yeah. It’s gonna be– The group that Denmark–
that them are in– it’s a group that we
can progress on. Right. Well, you’re gonna want
these in the oven. And then whilst
they’re cooking, I thought we could all decant
to the drawing room. Jack:This is my little
This is your little spot?– Jack:Yeah,
I know it’s pokey, but…
– Kasper:Yeah.I wanna ask about being
goalkeeper at major tournament. Surely the big thing that’s
always playing on your mind is a penalty shoot out. That’s a very, very English way
of thinking. Seriously, England just always,
they end up in a penalty
shoot-out. This is my tactic for… Yeah, go on, tell him your
theory, tell him your tactic. So what you do is,
penalty one of the shoot-out… you charge. Big red Rudolph nose
in his face, screaming, and you just throw
yourself at the ball. – And take the yellow card.
– Take the yellow card. – And you’re psyched out now.
– Kasper: Okay. Now, I think
you should try it, unless you’re playing England, in which case, all you need to
do is just stand on the line and just let them implode. Could I just say one thing,
Peter? Could I apologize on behalf
of the Whitehall family. How dare he refer to your
Rudolph the reindeer nose? – Yeah.
– Sorry. – I was caught up
in the moment.
– How dare you? So, chaps, I thought we’d play
a parlor game, which I call
“Mister and Mister.” So this is about how well
we know each other. First question– fathers,
if there was a movie about me
or Kasper, who would play us? Okay, let’s go
Schmeichels first. Justin Timberlake. Oh, that’s quite a good show. JT. Oh, Justin Timberlake! They’ve obviously
been conferring. That is impressive.
That is impressive. Okay, mine. The Rock. I think he’s
a very versatile actor, and I’d love to see him
playing English. Robert Pattinson. – Oh, very funny.
– Yo, mate. One, nil, Schmeichels. Fathers? What is your son
most afraid of? I went for what I think
he’s most afraid of is spiders. Spiders. Spiders! This synergy. Hornets. Just really scared of them. Just every time I think
about them, they’re just… Second billing. Michael:
He hates second billing. It’s got to be all about him. First billing–
“Jack Whitehall is…”
boom, boom. – That again is very close.
– Very close, yeah. What is your son’s
guilty pleasure? Easiest one all day. Little Mix.
I just can’t turn them off when they come on the radio. My guilty pleasure is… Come on. He’s a closet
conservative. Admit it. Admit it. Kasper Schmeichel,
your guilty pleasure is. Sweets.
Jack– Manchester United. You were not asked to provide
an answer for me. I’ve got exactly the same. So I think it’s fair to say
Mister and Mister was won by some margin
by the Schmeichels. Kasper, it’s been amazing
hanging out with you today,
my man. Thank you very much. For lads-and-dads day.
We’ve gotta do this again.The Danes
may have taken this one,but just you wait until
England meets you in the semisarmed with my alternative
penalty saving tactics.You’re going down.Traveling the world
through its international
footballing stars has been fun.For all our differences,
I count them as being
my friends,as they do me.Obviously,
when it comes to the World Cup,I shall once again returnto hating every national
football team,including my own.But until then,
there’s only one winnerthe beautiful game,
football.Or Germany. Probably Germany.See you in Russia.Hi, I’m Gareth Bale. Watch me on “Training Days”
on YouTube with this donut. We wanted Hal Robson-Kanu, but he was unavailable. Stuck with me now.